Sunday, June 11, 2006

Welcome to the Jungle

I’d like to invite you all into my world for just a moment. Understand that I did not make this up or exaggerate this stuff, it really happened.....

These were just three conversations, in order, that I had with my 20-something year old children yesterday:

Tom (24): Mom, I’ve got this song stuck in my head all day
YNB: What song is it?
Tom: "I Will Survive", by that black woman artist, whatever her name is.
YNB: Why don’t you think of another song then?
Tom: I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t work and this one is DRIVING ME NUTS!
YNB: I know, how about "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot?....then I start belting out the song, which is weird because I happen to know all the words. I like big butts and I can not lie you other brothers can't deny.....
Tom: Mom, stop, please stop, I beg you, STOP, I don’t want THAT song stuck in my head.
YNB: (I'm still singing, 'cause I'm such a good mom and want to help him get the other song out of his head) that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, wanna pull out your tough 'cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha and take your picture........

Just then I look outside and see these two women looking at my house. My front door is open and they could obviously hear what a wacko I am. My house is a disaster because I am in the middle of going through all of my winter clothes and sorting out clothes for Good Will, cleaning the cupboards, putting away the groceries, doing massive amounts of laundry that are being sorted on my kitchen floor, etc. I’m usually not this disorganized when I clean, but I put aside the whole day and started a lot of projects at the same time. Oh, yeah, for the first time in my life, my bed’s not made, because I’m planning on changing the sheets in a few minutes.

One of the women says, "I’m a friend of a friend of yours and I heard your house was for sale, can I come in, I came all the way from Queens?" (That’s a long way) I said "sure." After all, in the two months I’ve had this house on the market, no one has come to look at it yet. So I had to say yes, right?

It figures. But she liked it and took the real estate agent’s phone number.

Next conversation:
Dave(26): Mom, I know you feel bad about the way you raised us and all.
YNB: Dave, I did the best I could, it was very difficult being both Mom and Dad to you all, work and take care of you. I know I made mistakes, but honestly, I was young and we all grew up together.
Dave: Yeah, I know that, but I’m thankful for my dysfunctional childhood and I’ll tell you why... On my first day of work at the office of my college (Some famous artsy fartsy Film, Acting, Writing, College that he attends) I saw a cartoon on the wall and it was a one cell cartoon of a college kid writing a letter to his parents. You could see the letter he was writing and it read, "Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for the wonderful, well-adjusted childhood you gave to me, now I’ll never be a great writer."
YNB: Oh Dave, was that a big turning point for you?
Dave: Hey Mom, can we go out to Red Lobster for dinner tonight?
This son of mine has ADHD, Aspergers, and the attention span of a gnat.

Then we go off to Red Lobster. He then asks me why I say to him "lake of fire" everytime he doesn't want to go to church with me. "It's a joke Dave, even if you are turning away from God right now, I believe you can't lose your salvation" I'm just such a sick puppy sometimes.

And the last conversation:
Jen (26): Mom, I just went to the worst wedding ever, I mean you couldn’t even write a Bridezilla episode about it, I was that horrible.
YNB: Okay, tell me about it, but I might write about it on my blog.
Jen: I think you should. First the bride walks down the aisle without the right music playing so we don’t even stand up until she’s half way up the aisle. She’s pissed, her face looks like it’s making a fist at us all. Then the whole wedding she’s like that. Everyone in the church is looking around and we’re not even breathing...we're afraid was that uncomfortable. Then at the reception, the DJ introduces them and says, "This is the strangest first dance song I ever played, but here goes" and plays Guns N’Roses "Welcome to the Jungle". The couple is trying to do their slow romantic song to this crazy song that was obviously a mistake and it’s not working, so after about 30 seconds of this, the bride, who happens to be 6 months pregnant, downs a glass of wine in one shot, runs out of the building and starts lighting up a cigarette. Everyone uncomforably looks at each other....then I want to just go out there and knock her up side her head because she shouldn’t be abusing her baby like that. But thankfully, I don’t even know this bitch, I’m just know the guy I went with, who's holding me back 'cause he knows I'm gonna knock her out.

This is just a normal day at my house. Thanks for sharing it with me. Now you have some insight as to why I'm the way I am.


Looney Mom said...

Hee hee... I would have loved to see/hear your rendition of "Baby Got Back"... ha ha ha ! I have video that will crack you up - I'll send it when I get home (I'm on my PDA).

And I'm with your daughter on that stupid chick... I would have been in her face... cuz that's me...

MugwumpMom said...

That's too funny! You must have done a great job being mom and dad if your kids are spontaneously checking in with you like that! Great post. Sad I missed your take on Baby Got Butt!! And your daughter showed great restraint!

Monica said...

That was funny! Your kids sure make great dialogue too! Congrats on someont looking at the house thought. In this market I know that is HUGE! I hope she follows through will the asking price you want. Exciting!

Lena said...

I cannot even get over THAT BRIDE! Are you kidding me??

Looney Mom said...

Hey Theresa,

Check this Video out... It's HUH-LAR-IOUS!

Much nicer than the original... though my Hubby likes the original because I got LOTS of back ;)...