Monday, March 26, 2007

Doin' the 12 Steps

Thank you friends for all the encouraging comments you left on Friday's post. It means so much to me that there are people praying for my healing and that I'm not the only one feeling 'unworthy'. YA'LL RULE!!

As I went weeding through my bedroom yesterday deciding what to keep for the move and what to throw out, I came across some of the journaling I did when I was going through the worst time of my life.

I've mentioned here before how my marriage broke up, my physical health deteriorated, my ego was flattened and for three long months I entered into a deep depression.

Throughout that year, God showed me who He was in many ways. And He showed me that no matter what the circumstances, He is there with me right by my side.

Here are a few of the things I jotted down as I was being betrayed by addictions, dealing with my former husband's affair and painfully learning my role in the problems thereof:

When he betrays me, when he uses his clever 'therapy' tone and words to attack me, it is not because he hates me, but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad.

This day is too precious to waste by resenting things I cannot change.

Where there is hatred, Lord, let me sow love. Where there is injury, Lord, help me to pardon. Where there is despair, Lord help me to find hope. Where there is sadness, Lord, help me to find my joy and Your joy in me.

Make me an instrument of Your peace.

I will not add to the problem of alcohol by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so I would be shaming myself.

Its my personal responsibility to take care of myself. I don't have the power to change another person.

I can begin to recognize when I am dealing with alcoholism's insanity and I can detach. I certainly don't have to respond by doubting myself.

I am only beginning this self awareness, I won't ever be perfect. I don't have to be perfect, only God is.

I miss me.

"You get to the point where your demons, which are terrifying, get smaller and smaller and you get bigger and bigger."- I hope I start feeling that soon.

I had good reasons to hide my feelings, making light of serious situations, overworking, managing to focus on everything but myself. Today I have other options. I can begin to listen to what my heart has been trying to tell me, and I can look for someone trustworthy with whom I can share.

My problems are my own doing.

I've been at fault by not putting myself first, if I don't,why would he? If I don't respect myself and my ideas, why would he?

I can only control myself. I cannot add to the destruction of my marriage. I can only make myself better.

Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread.

Now, years later, I am grateful that I went through all of that. I didn't like the person I had become before it all happened. I was constantly walking on eggshells and trying to please everyone. I was a total mess.

Now I have peace and joy, no matter what the circumstances...sometimes it is a decision, a choice...but I have learned to have it nonetheless.


Morning Glory said...

This is so beautiful and honest. Thank you for opening your heart to us. You are an amazing woman and God is so good!

Nadine said...

Your post so bless me. Your honesty and faithfulness to the Lord through all of that is quite the example. Thank for sharing your story and I pray that if someone is going through the same thing will take comfort that they can get to the other side of it.

Dawn said...

Such awesome thoughts that you wrote in the past - I'm glad you found them and shared them!

MugwumpMom said...

Excellent post! You've come so far and so well, and are an inspiration. It's it a wonder when we go back and read the stuff from back then and see the healing as well as where God was the entire time..hindsight is 20/20. I'm a huge believer in working 12 steps towards any kind of healing and recovery.
Thank you for sharing this.

Oh, The Joys said...

I'm so glad you choose YOU!

Kristen said...

I really appreciate this post. Very honest and inspirational. My Mom (Grandma Dawn) told me to stop by and read it. I'm glad I did.

Lala's world said...

oh thank you for sharing that! when we go thru hard times it is so easy to forget that we are not glad you came through stronger and able to share! hugs!!