sometimes

Sometimes I feel like my life is a twisting, turning Soap Opera....unfortunately without all the sleeping around.

(Thanks for all your emails of encouragement and prayers.)

SOS

First of all, I feel honored to have been nominated for a Blogger Award under the category: the Best Blog About Stuff. I can't seem to get the badge up here yet, but thanks!

I haven't written a post for awhile because there is so much going on right now.

I've been sitting here doubting myself and wondering why....and hoping that it will all work out, hoping that things change for the best....and that I'm included in that 'best'.

In two weeks I will be living in another state.

The stress is unbearable.

The loneliness is overpowering.

The work involved is wearing me down.

My faith is dwindling. Send Help!

Maybe I focus too much on the whole picture and not the little details, and when the little details start getting bigger and bigger, like a cavity in a tooth, I fall into an old pattern of not getting my needs met or my voice heard and even ignoring that until it all explodes. Maybe I don't know how to change the little things before they turn into big things.

Probably.

An Interview - Oh the Joys!!!!!

Here’s a perfect example of what a royal ditz I am....I didn’t even know that I had an AOL mail account until just now!

When I went onto AIM a message popped up stating that I had messages. I never opened an account with AOL....or I don’t remember doing so...that shouldn’t surprise anyone.

Oh, I amaze myself.

So when I opened my new account, other than having several nice, friendly emails from other bloggers from the past year (sorry but I'm not the snob that you must think I am for not responding) I found an email from the famous OhTheJoys. I love her. She wrote to me so she could interview me with the following questions.

I feel so honored.

Here goes:

How did you meet your significant other and when did you know he/she was THE ONE?

For the past two years I have been long distance dating Capt. I met Capt on an online dating site, EHarmony. I knew he was the one when we first held hands. Everything fell into place as we were walking along together....as if we were part of something....the same something. As many of you know, I am in the process of finalizing my big move to his state into a house I am closing on in a few weeks. We will be living in the same town. It's a big adjustment for all of us, he's a single dad of two young children.

How would you characterize the person you were in high school? In college?

I was a no body in high school. I grew up in a home that had no emotions, no love, no communication. It was a battlefield and I did nothing but survive there until I was 18, then I moved out on my own and learned how to forgive my parents, put it all in my past and be who I am today. I truly think that my classmates didn't even know I existed. Heck, I didn't even know I existed!

I attended college when I was 30 years old. I was a single mother of three children and took 21 credits a semester while running a home/office cleaning business with my sister. One of the best part of those years was when the cheer leading coach of the college personally came up to me and asked me to join the team. Me, a cheerleader! It was an honor to be asked, but practically, with my kids and all, I couldn't do it.

After I graduated, I was told by a prominent law school that I was being considered for a full scholarship due to my GPA. It was an honor to be considered, but practically I couldn't do that to my children, I would have had to work full-time and attend law school full time 70 miles away. I don't regret not going to law school, I'm a better assistant than a I am a leader.

While I was in college I was a person who put my children first and concentrated on raising them to be well-adjusted, loving, successful people, and didn't think much about myself.

Now that my children are grown, I spend a lot of time figuring out what I like and what I want to do.

Tell us about a time in your life when you felt ashamed.

When my children were teenagers, I got married. My former husband left me for another woman. It was embarrassing because we were leaders in our church, we counseled couples. His behavior became more and more bizarre and he lapsed into addictions, then he began flaunting his girlfriend in front of me and our friends and I was devastated. The grief I felt was the worse thing I've ever gone through, I almost died from it. I was ashamed that I made such a horrible mistake by marrying him and for the pain my children experienced and witnessed. I've forgiven him. He would like to get back together, but I don't feel the same way towards him. I feel that it was a privilege that was given to me by God to go through all that pain and brokenness. It was about 5 years ago and I have learned so much about myself. More importantly, I learned never to get involved with unhealthy people anymore.

If you could ask a genie to grant you three wishes, what would your wishes be? (Wishing for more wishes is not allowed.)

I would wish that I could re-do my life up until now. That my childhood was wonderful, that I married the right man after I graduated college and that my children didn't have to go through watching me struggle to get to where I am today.

Then I would wish that my children continue to be happy and successful, making good decisions and continue to seek God.

Finally, I would wish that The Town of Brookhaven would finally lift the stupid violations on my property and pass the variances and Certificates of Occupancy so I could stop being so stressed out with all of their crazy demands and move to Connecticut already. I actually had to move my shed a few feet back from my front property line yesterday. Now all that's left is the concete foundation covering Jimmy Hoffa's body. And I'll probably get a stupid violation for that too!!!! Jeeze!!!!


Do you contest that the National Park Ranger Uniform is the sexiest uniform there is and, if so, what uniform would, in your opinion, trump that of the Park Ranger?

Well, let’s say that if the circumstances were honorable, I wouldn’t kick a man who was wearing in a National Park Ranger Uniform out of my bed, but I think that there’s something sexy about a guy wearing nothing but a tailored shirt..... that simply melts me...in an honorable way, of course.

Capt is an officer in the Air Force. I’ve never seen him in his uniform, but if I did, I’d probably get myself into lots of trouble. Lots of trouble.

Ahem. *tugs at her turtleneck collar*

Thanks OhTheJoys! If anyone would like me to interview them, let me know. I promise to check my email account that is linked to this site more often.

Erin's Pain

Last night, or early this morning as it was, I awoke unable to fall back asleep. As I allowed myself to let stress get the better of me, I started thinking of all the obstacles that are in the way of me being at peace right now: the packing up of my whole house, obtaining the proper permits for things that other owners of my house should have gotten in 1970, removing my shed and its foundation, the loneliness of doing all of this alone, and my health issues.

I felt justified in feeling overwhelmed.

Then I opened my laptop, which takes up the empty space next to me in bed, and started looking at other blogs....which is something I do to feel connected to other people, especially when I get lonely.

Then I found Erin.

And I was humbled.

And I cried for hours.

Erin is a young married woman who recently gave birth to Birdie, a stillborn child, after a full-term pregnancy. Erin doesn’t believe in God. She did everything right during the pregnancy and during childbirth, yet during an emergency C-Section, Birdie died.

All of Erin’s hopes died too. And all she is left with is her empty arms and aching heart.

I know that God allows things to happen in our lives, that His plans may not ever been known. I know that His plans are always for good in the end.

My current situation pales to Erin’s situation and I feel stupid for whining about them and letting them interfer with my peace. And I thank God for giving me the privilege of having three healthy babies within two years.

I cannot even begin to imagine the loss and pain that Erin is feeling, especially without the support of having our Father to comfort her.

Please pray for Erin, that she might feel the love and peace that passes all understanding, that she has the strength to get through each day, that she may feel a touch of God.

If you’d like to visit Erin’s blog be warned, she has graphic pictures of Birdie and the photos capture her and her husband’s pain. Here's the link.

Underwear that's fun to wear

Mom, Dad and Hunter the Dog left this morning to go back to South Carolina.

As we were all saying our goodbyes Mom, in an attempt at lightening up the emotional situation, announced to no one in particular:

"Don't crinkle up your underwear."

Dead silence.

We all just looked at each other.

Even the dogs tilted their heads sideways in bewilderment.

[Hmmmmmm. Don't crinkle up your underwear. What is Mom trying to say?]

"Mom, do you mean, 'Don't get your panties in a wad?'", I ask.

"Yeah, that's it! Ha Ha Ha. ", she laughs.

The words of wisdom I have learned from my mother constantly astounds me.

My Family

Those are my children up there.

We've been trying to get together as much as possible these last few weeks. Soon we will be all live many miles away.

In a few weeks, Dave will be in China, Jen and Tom are moving into an apartment together on Long Island and I will be living in Connecticut.

I thought that I already went through the 'empty nest syndrome'. Now that I'm moving away from them I can't actually describe how I feel.

This is sooooo weird.

Hurry Up & Wait

The past year has been a whirlwind. More so this past month.

There have been numerous road blocks in my attempt to sell my house and now there is only two more left: A C.O. for the garage conversion and the lifting of the violation. I hired a company today to finish up the process, it’s just taking up too much of my time and energy.

I have had to learn a lot about patience. About waiting. About timing. I have a tendency to want what I want and just go for it. A 'life is too short' attitude.....that has gotten me in trouble and played a huge part in me making poor decisions in my past. I don’t want that in this case. I want to move to Connecticut so that I can be in a more affordable place, in a house that doesn’t need major work and to be near Capt and his wonderful family. So I ‘m trying to take each step carefully, thoughtfully and timely.

I want the rest of my life to start now. And to start on a solid foundation.

The packing is mostly done. The boxes are lined up in my livingroom and dining room. All that is left to do is to pack up the everyday stuff the last few days. My closing on my house is scheduled for May 4th! The closing on my house in CT is May 9th! I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my job yet, but there are so many changes happening at once that I just want the perfect job to fall into my lap. I will be commuting back and forth until then, staying over friend’s and families’ homes during the week.

I’m amazed that I’m doing this because the only place I’ve ever lived was Long Island.

And yet, I’m excited and scared at the same time.

A Passover Moment

I just got back from a sedar dinner at my Aunt's house. My cousins were all there with their spouses and children. It was an amazing night of reading, Hebrew singing and eating lots of Kosher Passover food. The meal lasted three hours and the little children all sat there excited about stories of Passover. It was adorable.

Whenever I get together with my Mom's side of the family for holidays I think about Jesus and how he must have done these same traditions, sang these same Hebrew songs and danced the same dances. The traditions don't change. And the stories don't change.

For many years I felt awkward around my cousins because I was raised Christian even though I am Jewish like them. I thought of myself as an outsider in their 'family'.

Now I feel stronger about who I am and I realize that most of the uncomfortableness had to do with me and not them.

It was a really interesting and fun night though.

Just before dinner started, my cousin nonchalantly told me that he just spent 6 million dollars on a new violin. FOR REAL. SIX . MILLION. DOLLARS. ON A VIOLIN. As he is telling me this my mom, aging, frail and grey-haired, bend down to tie his shoe because she noticed that his laces were dangling off the sides of his expensive, imported, Italian leather shoes. I had to laugh, because just for that minute he was my mom's cute little nephew and not the man who developed the Euro and became a multi-millionaire.

Damn, I wish I'd brought my camera with me. I wonder how much he would have paid me to keep that photo out of the papers. Probably not 6 million. But probably close.