Monday, July 31, 2006

I Expect Thank You Notes

On Saturday I went to my boss' beach party. The invitation promised loads of water activities on The Great South Bay. Waterskiing, Kayacking, jetskiing...activities that obviously require a bathingsuit. However, I selflessly decided not to bring or wear my bathingsuit. The reason being (and so you know, I gave this a lot of thought before I left my house for the party) there were a lot of married couples going to this party, married couples as in "husbands and wives". I'm a single, sexy (only in my own mind), mid40ish kinda babe. What I was thinking was: "If the husbands at the party got a glimpse of my awesome, clantily-scad, slim bod, there, without a doubt in my mind, would be major problems in their respective marriages.

Did I ever mention that I am clairvoyant? Not only is it a personal benefit, I'm convince it is a job requirement where I work.

Anyhoo, as I sat in my bedroom pondering what to wear to this soiree, I saw a vision if you will.....husbands leaving their wive's sides, running in slow motion towards me, wive's crying, "Honey, no come back to me", I am surrounded by these drooling men begging to marry me right there and then on the hot sun filled beach. They can't keep their eyes off of me, they all must have me, their wives in total devastation.

Then the vision ends and I ponder, "I can't be the cause of all those marriages breaking up, it wouldn't be Christian-like. Moreover, I'd be the one having to do all the work since I am the top matrimonial paralegal on Long Island (again, only in my own mind) thankyouverymuch. And I already have more than enough work to do.

So I unselfishly donned a respectable outfit and left for the party. But I swear I left after I caught a married man undressing me with his eyes. Or maybe he was looking at the barbeque sauce I spilled on the crotch of my white shorts, I'm not too sure, either way I left.

I expect the thank you notes from the wives will be flooding in shortly.

*Those of you who have never seen me or a picture of me - I'm just a plain old, mid-aged slightly overweight, broad. But in my out!


Looney Mom said...

Oh you are so funny. I was sure a hotty back when - like before having 4 children! And what thanks do I get from them??? They have no idea how they wrecked my body - the ingrates. ;)

Seeker said...

Don'tcha just love day-dreaming?!
If wishes were horses, we'd all ride.

Lala's world said...

oh I loved that!!

MugwumpMom said...

once a hotty, always a least that is what my devastatingly handsome, rich, capable Montana cowboy tells me as he lifts me up onto his horse and rides with me into the sunset

ah, whaaa...oh, was I sleeping?

I'm blogrolling on my lunch hour(s) and you just made my day.

Have a great afternoon (evening?)

mckay said...

LOL... classically funny blogging.

Yellow Mama said...

I donned my swimsuit, but felt slightly funny...jumping in the pool as fast as I could so nothing would show. Gone are the bikinis of my teens and there are places on my thighs where it looks like I've been attacked by a BB gun.

TheWriteJerry said...

"Overweight" - even putting the word "slightly" in front of it still makes you using the word "overweight" to describe yourself a lie.

You're only overweight in your own mind.

There's nothing overweight about you.

Don;t listen to her, folks. She's thin. As in "would you please eat something before a strong wind blows you away" thin.

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