Time to Play: Worst Dates

This past weekend Capt and I had a great date night we went here and here. We had a cute conversation about our dating lives before we found each other and shared some interesting stories.

Although I didn’t go on as many dates as Capt did, some of the few that I went on were strange.

The first date was with a man my daughter fixed me up with from an internet dating site. I met him at a local restaurant. One of the first things he asked me was for pictures of my children....I didn’t have any. I explained why I didn’t and he starting getting angry at me....”how could you not have pictures of your children in your wallet?” I explained that they were older and they don’t get their picture taken every year like younger children do. During dinner he told me wild stories about meeting women the first time and having them leave to go to the ladies room and not coming back. Hmmmmm, RED FLAG!!!! When I pushed my plate away, after only eating half of my dinner, he looked at me with fiery eyes and said, “You’re not going to finish that?” “Ummm, no I’ll take the rest home and eat it for lunch tomorrow.”, I said. “Did you eat before you came here?”, he said through clenched teeth. Yeah, I understand why those women left through the bathroom windows....NEXT!

Then there was this nice man, my age, lived in my town....we talked for hours on the phone about interesting stuff. I couldn’t wait to meet him. We met at a diner on a Sunday after we went to our respective churches. He was dressed kinda weird. A stripped zoot suit, purple tie and bright pink shirt. “Okay”, I thought, “Maybe it was a special church service, like ‘flamboyant Sunday’ or something like that.” After lunch we walked to his car....a Red PT Cruiser with flames on the front panels. I’m a plain-jane type gal myself, not into flamboyancy...I don’t like a lot of attention. Yet, I gave him one more chance. We met for lunch a week later during the work week. He came dressed with a bright yellow shirt, red tie and a similar zoot suit....everyone was turning their heads to see him and then shaking their heads as if to say, “wwwwwaaaaaacko”. We ate lunch and I asked him why he divorced his wife. He told me that his wife was sick for a long time and he couldn’t take it anymore. NEXT!

Then there was the firefighter who I dated for 10 months and found out that he was still searching for other dates while dating me.

But then I met Capt. And the madness ended.

I know that a lot of my readers married their childhood sweethearts and/or have been married for a long time *jealous eyeroll*. But I'd love to hear some of your stories on dates that went very wrong.

Thankful Thursday

I’m thankful that my 26 year old son is getting a play that he wrote published.

I’m thankful that his twin, Jen, is a successful artist.

I’m thankful that my 24 year old son is in the field that he loves too.

I’m thankful for the special man in my life that loves me back.

I’m thankful for the South Beach Diet - YOU ROCK!- because in one week I lost 7lbs....although it might be from all the massive daily shopping, prepping, cutting, chopping, food processing, cooking, baking, sauteeing, cleaning up, etc. that goes along with the diet that burns off the calories.

Wordless Wednesday

PookieBear at her luau birthday party last month.

Khutspe Mama

Mom just called me at work a few minutes ago.

My little Jewish, gray haired, post-Bloomingdale's shopper, just recovering from brain surgery due to a fall from her horse, sweet, wouldn't hurt a fly, Mom told me this story:

Mom: "Theresa, I have a great story for your blog".

(Hmmmmm, I didn't know Mom read my blog.)

YNB: "What happened Mom?"

Mom: "Yesterday me and Dad went to the stable so that he can go on a long ride with his friends (riding horses) so I stayed behind with two girls ages 11 and 12. One of the girls screams, 'Rose, come here and bring your gun there's a big snake'. So I run over with my 22 and start shooting at this huge snake with an orange head."

YNB: "Mom, Dad gave you your gun back?" (Okay, I only thought that.)

Mom: "I just kept shooting and shooting, but my gun is too small and it was hard to aim. But some man came by and killed it with a shovel. Now everyone here says I'm finally a true southerner." (They used to just call them "Damn Yankees".

There are a lot of obvious issues here that I can hash over but after everything we've been through with the accident and the surgeries and all the praying, right now all I can think of is, "Yeah, Mom's back".

And I'm feeling a little.......(sniff)...."Verklempt".

How Not to Run a Hair Salon

Approximately 6 weeks ago I went to a new hair colorist, James, to fix the perpetual problem I have been having with my hair. The last time I tried to get it fixed I wound up with jet black hair and I’m naturally golden light brown.

James is a 23 year old straight kid who knows his stuff when it comes to hair coloring. He told me all about himself during the 4 hours it took to get things “right” with my hair. He is engaged to the love of his life, they are expecting a baby in 6 months, they just bought a house and opened the hair coloring business together, but she is having horrible morning sickness and can’t seem to get to work. James was working alone at his shop and was very busy.

While he was telling me his life story I pictured a happy life with a woman of a similar age to his just starting out in life and happily awaiting the arrival of their first baby....don't you? And I was thinking how nice, stable and successful he must be.

Then I went in for a touch up a few days ago.

James sits me down and there is some really heavy late 40ish woman starts yelling at him in a demeaning way from across the salon. This woman has a potty mouth....no actually she would put a truck driver to shame with what was coming out of her mouth.

This woman, I will call Agnes, had long strands of black hair and very short strands of hair poking out all over the place. She was telling everyone, in a loud abrasive voice, that her hair melted when James dyed it the day before and that her hair used to cover her fat butt (her words not mine) and now that @#**&% of a @#**&% better put hair extensions in for her!!!!!

James politely tells her something and then it all becomes crystal clear......Agnes and James own the salon. Agnes, who has 4 bratty children already from all different fathers, whom she lost custody because of her pot smoking, is now pregnant with James' child. (I learned all this info as well while sitting there with hair dye in my hair scared out of my mind, by the way, that James will melt my hair off too).

Just then a woman comes into the salon, a woman who used to date Agnes' brother. Agnes tells her that her brother is now dating a 60 year old woman, "like 10 years his senior". And the three of them start laughing their butts off! Like this older woman who actually is 58, not 60, is wacked out of her mind for dating a younger man....HELLO!!!! what are YOU doing Agnes????? There's over 20 years difference between you and James!!!!!

My drama session gets worse.....Agnes and James have to tell this ex-girlfriend what Agnes' brother told them about her "down there parts". And she starts guessing obscene things.

That's when I chimed in, "Ummm, excuse me, I can't take all this drama anymore, could you wait until I leave in a few minutes to finish this conversation?" I'm not kidding, I really said that. And when my hair was done - and looking mighty fine - I paid and as I left they asked me if this was the most fun salon ever? I said, "I can't wait to blog about this place". Then they all started getting excited and said that they are going to get more publicity for the salon. I just smiled and left. They should only know.

And the most disturbing thing of all is that I am going to go back in 6 weeks because James is THE MAN when it comes to my hair, even if he most likely won't be "the man" in any other area of his life.....just sayin'.

Aaaaaaaawwwwwww

This past weekend PookieBear and I went shopping at the mall. I bought a set of hot rollers for her hair because she had gotten a hair cut with long layers earlier that day and I thought curls would look great. Well....I was right, she looks adorable.

Last night when I was speaking with her dad, I asked how her hair came out since I left before her bedtime on Sunday leaving the curlers still in for her to take out.

Capt said that he has been using the hot rollers on her hair every morning now.

I have a picture in my mind's eye that is just so adorable. And I smile everytime I think about this big, burly, manly-man that I love, curling his sweet 11 year old daughter's hair.

What's on My Mind

Today is the first day of the South Beach Diet I'm trying out. The work involved is very time consuming. I had to shop, cut, chop, marinate, grill, measure, mix, blend and plan yesterday and today. I still have to do some more work for tomorrow's menu. And there's the fact that I cannot and will not use sugar substitutes, so the ricotta and vanilla extract dessert things they are famous for isn't really cutting it for me.

Many people that I've spoken to that have done this diet say that it works. And I need something that works. So I'm on the South Beach Diet and I hope to lose at least 5 lbs quickly because I can't stand the way I feel.

I work out 5 times a week at Curves, and practice yoga stretching quite often, yet the weight is creeping up on me.

There used to be a time in my life when gaining weight was something that I could not do no matter how hard I tried. For example, the day after I gave birth to my twins, 7 lbs and 5lbs 15oz, I weighed 75 lbs. When I was in college at age 30, I couldn't get past 94lbs. I clearly was too thin most of my life.

And clearly, my weight and food is on my mind way too much. Especially since all I can think about is how tomorrow for lunch I am allowed to have a.v.o.c.a.d.o in my tuna salad......and Yew Nork Babe hearts avocados.

What, if anything, has been on your mind too much lately?

Yes, I'm Weird

Better is One Day In Your Courts has tagged me for this 5 Weird Things About Me Meme.

I am a bit reluctant to divulge this weird information to you, mostly because I can't believe that any of you would be interested. And there's the fact that you all might stop being my blog friends when you realize how sick in the head I really am. Anyhoo, here goes:

Five weird things about me:

1. Whenever I see a fortune cookie I must grab it and crush it in my fist. It's an uncontrollable urge. Likewise, I must always step on dry macaroni that has spilled on the grocery floor to hear it crumble beneath my foot. It's uncontrollable, honestly.

2. I get claustrophobic in a snowstorm. Just think about it, you can't see the sky, you're blanketed in blinding snow.....it just gets me all freaked out.

3. I abhor Jack-in-the-boxes. They are not funny. They are not playful. They should not be considered a toy. What were the makers of these spawn of satan thinking when they marketed this as a child's toy?

4. My long term memory was somewhat short circuited during an accidental drug administration in a hospital three years ago. My boyfriend notices it more than me and he kind of likes it. He says it's like having a new girlfriend every week.

5. Even though I used to live in an apartment and had them frequently, and since I've owned my house (16) years I've only had one, rodents freak me the heck out....especially when they enter uninvited. What disturbs me is they have hearts and lungs, kidneys and spleens, things that lions and tigers have. Moreover they are much more intelligent and complex than everyday, run-of-the-mill bugs and spiders. Does anyone but me understand that? They breathe, they see, they hear, they feel....and I didn't invite them in!

Now, I'd like to tag Liz, Rena, Jerry (which will be easy because he's really weird), lala and anyone else that would like to do this meme.

A Whale of a Story

I've got nothing today so here's a cute joke that Capt sent to me this morning:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Have a great Thursday!

House Update

It's been fun having my parents over, they are leaving on Thursday. They have helped out a lot. Lots of laughs, lots of food. Jewish mothers and food....do I have to say more?

As of last Friday, my house is off the market. The way I figure it if it hasn't sold by now, it isn't going to sell until after the holidays. It's a huge 6 bedroom colonial, so only a large family would be interested in it, and since school has already started, parent's aren't going to want to switch schools now. And it is such a huge relief to not have to make sure the house is in showroom condition every single morning. The Pod Storage Unit is being removed this morning. That's going to save me $200 per month. All the junk that was in it has been mostly put in the garbage. I left my parents $20 for the the sanitation workers as a tip for the extra work.

I'm working on getting a home equity loan to do some home improvements and consolidate my debt.

From what I have been reading on other blogs, the market is really bad all over the county. Foreclosures are at a record high. My fellow home seller neighors have been lowering and lowering their house prices and starting to panic. As for me, I'm going to sit back, relax, and thank God for all my blessings. And I know that it will all work out, because it always does.

Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding-It's a British Thang

So the evil plan of serving Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding at my brother's barbeque went down like this:

Here it is out of the can and microwaved...looks good, a little spongy, there are lots of raisins (must be the reason it's called spotted dick), smells yummy. Who shall we get to eat it first?
Aha, the baby, he eats everything, if he survives, we're next.

So far he's still breathing and smiling and looking cute with cousin Jen.
But wait, what's this, he's putting on his shades and acting all "tough guy". He then starts sing rap music.

Grandma says, "Hey, I'm down wit dat, let me try some" And
Grandma likes it. Then she starts break dancing.
My turn, tastes like carrot cake with graham crackers, very sweet though.
Aunt Mindi likes it too.

Jen says, "I can't believe I'm eating this"
Aunt Lynda and daughter Em try it too.


The texture was good, the taste was good but I found it to be too sweet for my liking. I was extremely surprised that it tasted as good as it did. But then again what could you expect from something with such a strange and intriguing name?

Saturday

We all went to the Ren Faire,Mom, Dad, Mindi (big sister), Jen (my daughter), Mikey (Jen's boyfriend) and me.
Mindi, Dad and Mom:


Jen and Mikey trying to win a prize:


All of us and some kook:


That's me in the middle (they didn't know I stuck my face behind them:
Jen trying to pull the sword from the stone:

.
Mom and Dad kissing on the Kissing Bridge:


We ended the day by getting in touch with our Jewish Heritage and ate dinner at Ben's Kosher Deli. Mom enjoyed her Celery Soda
And I managed to sneek out early this morning to purchase the Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding for my evil plan tomorrow, hee hee hee.

Family Time

My parents flew up here to visit today, they are staying until Thursday. Mom looks great....better than great....she looks marvelous!

We planned a few things so far. We are going to Tuxedo, New York tomorrow (Saturday)to the Renaissance Faire. On Sunday we are going to my brother's house for a barbeque. This is going to be a big deal because my brother has "issues" with us all. And although it is nice that he is having a bbq for our parents, it is very unusual and unlike him to be all "family". And being the "unusual" sister that I am, I've got a little something I'm cooking up in my head for the bbq.

We have been told not to bring anything, that he and my sister-in-law have the whole thing under control. Well that's just not good enough for me, there is one thing I'm gonna bring for dessert that has been on my mind since I saw it at the supermarket.

Last Saturday I was at Stop and Shop and out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of can with a Heinz label. I have never seen that type of Heinz label so I was more than interested in finding out what it actually was. I picked it up and this is what the label read, "Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding". Hmmmm....what actually is spotted dick sponge pudding....and why would Heinz actually sell it? What is it made of? Who actually eats it? What is spotted dick? If anyone knows me by now, they may realizes that I am a somewhat of a "sick chick", and you would know how much I have been haunted by these questions all week and that I. MUST. GET. A. CAN. OF. SPOTTED. DICK. SPONGE. PUDDING.

I have been so obsessed that I even did some research on the product and the little information there is I have learned that it is a delicacy of Britain, though I am still baffled as to what it actually is made of.

So this is my evil plan: I am going to buy a can of this British delicacy and since I am scared to taste it all by myself and I would like to share the experience with others, I figure I will bring it to my brother's bbq.

And as an added bonus, I will take some photos of my family eating Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding.

To be continued.

Thankful Thursday

As I sit here contemplating all the things I am thankful for, I think of the wonderful boyfriend whom I am forever mentioning in this blog.....Capt.

Yes I am thankful that Capt is my best friend and that we share a deep, loving relationship. A relationship that grows stronger and deeper with each passing day......*gags on index finger*

But it's things like yesterday's email to each other that makes me very thankful he lives 154 miles away, otherwise he'd be hurting right now:


YewNorkBabe:

Babe,
>
>I love that after a year and a half you still leave messages on my voice
>mail telling me you love me for when I get back from working out.
>
>I love you too babe.
>
>T XXOO

Capt: Yuck!

Lazy Labor Day

Nintendo: What an 11 year old girl plays while the rest of us fish:




Boy loves to fish:
My first visit to a covered bridge, this is where we went fishing:
You gotta love them, but I seriously think they were plotting against me here, "hmmmmm, you think an 'accidental' fall from that covered bridge would finally get rid of the Yew Nork Babe?":


I learned how to skip a rock, here's where I got them from:


That's all.

MY FIRST BOOK REVIEW

Did you ever hear, see or read something so sickening and disturbing that you had the overwhelming desire to scrub yourself with an SOS pad and then bathe in a bathtub full of antiseptic 50 times?

That’s just how I felt tonight.

I love to read, I love to especially read best sellers....and even more than that I LOVE to read books that are soon to be movies. Maybe it’s because I like to feel connected to others in some way and by reading the same words that thousands of people did, do or are in the process of doing, it makes me I feel like I’m a part of something world wide.

That is the main reason I purchased the book: “Running with Scissors” .

Tonight I read 100 or so pages and felt sick...the kind of sick that is emotional and spiritual. After reading those pages I knew it was only going to get worse. I couldn’t even bring myself to put it on my bookshelf and let any of my friends who I swap books with read it. I had to immediately bring it out into my backyard and do this to it:




And even after I knew that it was ashes and would never fall into the hands of any other person, I still felt like I needed to visit a mental health professional who would tell me I’m okay and that everything will all be alright.

I am totally serious. That book is sick, creepy, abnormal and unhealthy.

Word of advise: DO NOT - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - SEE THE MOVIE WHEN IT COMES OUT!