Tell Me What You Think

I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a mother. Throughout my childhood I longed to love someone and to have someone love me back.

When I was 20, I found myself unexpectedly pregnant and alone. Despite what you may think, I was extremely happy and excited about becoming a parent, even if the father didn’t want anything to do with becoming one with me. I didn’t have anyone to guide me through my pregnancy and I made some stupid mistakes, like not knowing about maternity clothes so I bought many pairs of pants in every size as I grew bigger. But I ate healthy, real healthy because I was an organic, raw vegetarian. Mung bean sprouts, tofu, all that crap. And I took real good care of myself for my child.

Even in those early days of pregnancy, I sensed that I was having twins. And at 4 months it was verified, twins it was!

Well, I met a man at my job who was going through a terrible custody battle and we hooked up because he needed a nanny and I needed help....how disfunctional is that? We got married 3 months after the twins were born, a boy and a girl. We had a son when they were 22 months old.

After a few years I left with my 3 kids. He was abusive and although I could have lived like that (since I didn’t have any self worth back then), I didn’t want my daughter to ever married someone like that or have my sons become abusive to their wives. So I left and he never had anything to do with us after that. His children’s mother took them back after a short while. He didn’t have anything to do with them either.

So I raised these three wonderful children alone and loved every minute of it. We kinda grew up together. I made sure they had traditions, security and most of all knew that they were loved unconditionally.

As they grew into teenagers I stayed on top of them, setting boundaries, being involved, making mistakes and learning. They didn’t give me any trouble. Except the youngest, and only for a short period, but I straightened his ass out.

Now they are in their 20's, the twins will be 26 in July and the youngest turned 24 this past Sunday. They still live with me in this big house that I am trying to sell. They are successful, Jen is an accomplished artist and graffic designer www.britedesign.com. Her twin, Dave, is a writer and attending a film conservatory (he's home for the summer, then back to college). Tom is working in the computer field and attending college. majoring in computer science.

I need them to go out on their own, I need to live on my own, I feel like I’m being sucked dry. Don’t get me wrong, they pay minimal rent, they make their own meals, they clean up after themselves (although their standards of cleanliness are not on par with mine), I just want them to be successful, that’s all I ever wanted for them, to be successful in their lives, relationships and careers. I’m just starting to feel, if I dare say, resentful of them. I want a different type of relationship with them now. I want them to come and visit me, not live with me. It’s been very difficult for me lately. I love them, really, really love them, but I did my 26 years of being Mommy and it’s time for me now. I want to be their Mom, the one they go visit and seek advise from - not expect to make things easier for them. (Which I know is my fault)

Quiery: If I wasn’t a single mom and they actually had a father living with us, would I feel the same way? Meaning, would it be easier, emotionally? I feel the strong need for a shift here. I want to live alone! I want my children to be out on their own! But sometimes I also still want to be their Mommy too. What do you think?