Dave Stopped By My Office Today.....

"Mom, some days I feel like I've been handed a poo sandwich, except without the bread.....and extra poo."

"Dave, I'm so honored that you come to me when you need encouragement or advice, it makes me feel like you value my opinion"

"Yeah, that and my drug dealer didn't pick up his phone".

This morning, my 2 year old foster nephew sneaks into my purse and takes out my cell phone.

He starts rapidly pressing the buttons so I ask, "Hey, you’re not calling China are you?"

"No", he softly says.

Then he shoots a devilish look at me and loudly exclaims into the phone, "HELLO, CHINA?"

(Me thinks he has mastered the art of teasing his aunt.)

Hey, I Wanted Those Hamburgers!!!!

About once a year I get asked to assist a well-known Hampton area chef with a fundraising event. It’s usually a big affair.

One year it was the Gilda Radner Cancer fundraiser where Alec Baldwin wanted to leave Kim for me. I think it was the 100 or so pan seared scallops he was downing as fast as I was searing them. That man can eat! He never told me he would leave her, but I could see it in his eyes....and in my mind. My mind is a fun place.

One year it was a Paris Hilton fundraiser. She was as sweet as pie, really.

Another year it was a Barbara Walter’s 20/20 thingy where all the celebs lounged around the pool as I made hotdogs.

HOTDOGS! Barbara Walters eats hotdogs.

At least they were Kosher. They have to answer to a higher power and all.

This year it was the Hillary Clinton fundraiser.

I declined.

I don’t live on Long Island on the weekends anymore and I’d rather not do all that work for free anymore. Which, by the way, is the only reason they ask me to help. It makes sense since they are donating their food and services, they’d rather not pay someone to assist the chef.

That and I follow orders well.

If nothing, I follow orders well.

Or I’d like to think so.

So I missed out on the big Clinton fundraiser which was $1,000 a plate, or $250 a plate if you sat further away than the Clintons and didn’t hob-knob with them.

But I got to eat the food because today I got a package delivered to my office directly from the caterer. It was the leftover gazpacho, duck confort and duck liver pate.

I’m pretty sure they sent it in a effort to bribe me into doing the next event.

"Yum, was this what was served ?", I asked.

"No, Bill Clinton asked to take home all the mini gourmet buffalo hamburgers. He couldn’t stop eating them", she answered.

Well, that figures....wasn't he always being spotted at fast food places eating hamburgers when he was president?

How to Ignite Your Pastor Up in Flames

I've decided to start getting more grounded in my new neighborhood.

In addition to being appointed a hearing citation officer here, which goes into effect next year, I've been making it a point of getting to know my pastor and his family.

Sorry to say, but it's been about 4 years since I've had to be accountable to anyone. I'm the type of person that needs accountability....it keeps me on the straight and narrow. And I tend to wander off now and then.

So I decided to invite my pastor, his wife and son over for dinner on Saturday night to get to know them better and to have them get to know me.

There were some difficult food restrictions duly noted and adhered to, not much of a problem. I made BooMama's famous Chicken 'n' Spinach Pasta Bake, sans onions.

As for dessert, I made some rugelach. A delicious Jewish cookie. Hey, I had to get my ethnicity known to them somehow.


Their teenage son ate spinach for the first time and actually liked it. Or was being polite about it. Being a PK (Pastor's Kid) is never easy, one of my good friends growing up was one and she would complain all the time about being a PK.

After dessert I asked if they would like to sit by the campfire and make smores. Yes they did. I love campfires.

Now, I know that it is most likely against the town ordinance to have a campfire in my 'preserved wetlands' backyard, but I just can't help it, I love the novelty of living in a rural town, far away from neighbors, on two acres of land...and I love sitting by a campfire in the cool summer nights roasting marshmallows.

So I started a fire out back. And we sat around it making smores. And we chatted some more. And we ate lots of smores.

What happened next I can only imagine happened because the pastor wanted to make a very important statement to me.

He turned his flimsy resin chair around, his back facing the fire, he looked directly at me with conviction in his eyes and raised his hands as if to make a dramatic point of what was about to come out of his anointed mouth. But he lost his balance as he sat there and fell backwards in slow motion.

Even though it felt like I had time to get out of my seat, stretch a bit, stroll over to him, stop and tie my shoes, check my manicure, catch a passing firefly and reach over and grab him from falling, all I could do is watch him and hope that he wasn't going to land directly behind him into the pit of fire.

Hey, his wife, the love of his life, his lifelong partner, sat next to me and she didn't move either.

After what seemed like a hour, he managed to twist his body into what can only be described as a pretzel shape on its side and landed on the outside rocks of the campfire and rolled to safety.

It was a close call though.

And having my pastor go up in flames wouldn't bode well with me in the community. I'm already convinced that my neighbors aren't going to like me very much once I start listening to their appeals regarding any zoning tickets they may get.

But still, I'm glad I wasn't the cause of my pastor falling into a pit of fire. That really would have not looked good for me.

Two Recent Conversations

YNB: I was up late last night watching a show where a man in his 30's was looking for a wife. The two last contestants were 25 and 48. The 48 year old was really hot looking. I hope she wins.

Female co-worker: Yeah, I’d love to be hot, but it just takes too much work.

YNB: Yeah. Me too.

====================================================================

Boy: What is this seltzer made of?

YNB: Water and carbonation.

Boy: What is carbonation?

YNB: Gas

Boy: How does the gas get into the water?

YNB: with a pressurized tool.

Boy: But how does it work?

YNB: Ummm, you’ll have to ask Dad, he knows all about that stuff.

Boy: Why would Dad know about seltzer?

YNB: He is an expert in gas.

Boy: Because he toots a lot?

YNB: No, because he is a fuel expert in his job.

Boy: Oh.

More Lack of Sleep.....

On Saturday night I was told by Capt’s father, (QfiL) that I had a flat tire. Luckily my car was in my driveway and Capt was able to change it.

My first reaction was, "Yes, now I have a good excuse not to go to work on Monday", because I would never travel 160 miles without a spare in my car.

So on Monday, after a planned meeting with a headhunter, I had the hole plugged and while I was there, had a 30,000 mile check up. I didn’t know what I was going to tell my job about not coming in on Monday, I didn’t want to lie and call in sick and I didn’t want to tell them that I had a job interview in Connecticut.

So, getting a flat tire was a blessing.

Right?

By being home on Monday, I got a chance to get sworn in at Town Hall, after doing all my errands and got a change to take a long nap. Two hours long.

Whew!!!!! My head spins when I think of how crazy my life is sometimes.

My son David came home from China last night. Jen, his twin, took my truck to the airport to pick him up late last night.

And on the way back to her apartment, a tire blew. It was a different tire than the one I just got fixed.

It was dangerous but she handled getting them to safety.

She called and woke me up after I had fallen asleep one hour earlier.... and I’ve been up ever since.

Even when your children are older you still lose sleep over them. I worried about them being stranded in a bad neighborhood, not being able to change the tire themselves (it is complicated) and being taken advantage of by a tow truck company.

It was great to see David, he’s been away for two months.

We are both driving to CT after work so he can pick up his car. I’ve been keeping it by me while he’s been away.

Hopefully he will do all the driving so I can sleep because:

I’VE ONLY SLEPT THREE HOURS IN THE LAST 2 DAYS !!!!!