I Expect Thank You Notes

On Saturday I went to my boss' beach party. The invitation promised loads of water activities on The Great South Bay. Waterskiing, Kayacking, jetskiing...activities that obviously require a bathingsuit. However, I selflessly decided not to bring or wear my bathingsuit. The reason being (and so you know, I gave this a lot of thought before I left my house for the party) there were a lot of married couples going to this party, married couples as in "husbands and wives". I'm a single, sexy (only in my own mind), mid40ish kinda babe. What I was thinking was: "If the husbands at the party got a glimpse of my awesome, clantily-scad, slim bod, there, without a doubt in my mind, would be major problems in their respective marriages.

Did I ever mention that I am clairvoyant? Not only is it a personal benefit, I'm convince it is a job requirement where I work.

Anyhoo, as I sat in my bedroom pondering what to wear to this soiree, I saw a vision if you will.....husbands leaving their wive's sides, running in slow motion towards me, wive's crying, "Honey, no come back to me", I am surrounded by these drooling men begging to marry me right there and then on the hot sun filled beach. They can't keep their eyes off of me, they all must have me, their wives in total devastation.

Then the vision ends and I ponder, "I can't be the cause of all those marriages breaking up, it wouldn't be Christian-like. Moreover, I'd be the one having to do all the work since I am the top matrimonial paralegal on Long Island (again, only in my own mind) thankyouverymuch. And I already have more than enough work to do.

So I unselfishly donned a respectable outfit and left for the party. But I swear I left after I caught a married man undressing me with his eyes. Or maybe he was looking at the barbeque sauce I spilled on the crotch of my white shorts, I'm not too sure, either way I left.

I expect the thank you notes from the wives will be flooding in shortly.

*Those of you who have never seen me or a picture of me - I'm just a plain old, mid-aged slightly overweight, broad. But in my mind.....watch out!

Flexibility

I got some great comments about me at my gym today.

The ladies were all commenting how flexible I am (I stretch a lot after my workout). It made me feel good, like it was a compliment or something.

It's just a damn shame that I can't use that skill to make money and get out of the legal profession.

That's all.

Thirteen Thursday

13 reasons why I don't hate my boyfriend Capt:

1. He loves his children more than anything.

2. I like the way I feel like I am with him. I don't have to walk on eggshells or pretend I like something when I don't. He likes me the way I am. I can be myself, tell him anything, do anything, be all emotional and he still supports me and shows me that he's there for me.

3. He doesn't make me go to Chuck E. Cheese with him and his children because he knows that I'd rather stab my eyeballs with an ice pick than go in there with that large rodent (an ugly rat, no less), blinky lights, loud noises.....(I'm getting cold sweats just writing this).

4. He listens to me and my suggestions and, if appropriate, he makes positive changes.

5. He's so hot. Really.

6. He has goals and I've seen him reach many of them, to me that is successful man.

7. He's not a nerd or a geek, even though he knows everything about electronic stuff. And he can carry an intelligent conversation with me.....imagine that!

8. I miss him when we are not together. It's been a long time since I experienced that. But I don't feel like I have to be near him all the time. Although he lives 2.5 miles away, we have a close relationship.

9. He is very kind to his former wife and her boyfriend. That's a lot better than dating someone who has an acrimonious relationship with their co-parenting partner.

10. He doesn't make me go to Chuck E. Cheese with him and his children because he knows that I'd rather stab my eyeballs with an ice pick than go in there with that large rodent (an ugly rat, no less), blinky lights, loud noises.....(I'm getting cold sweats just writing this).

11. He drops everything to help a friend or family.

12. Even though he constantly worries about his son's ADHD, he only rarely shows it. He just trudges on with life and makes his children's lives as normal as possible.

13. And......He reads my blog and teases me about it being the only way he gets to know what's going on in my life.

Wordless Wednesday

A view of the lake from the pool at my parent's South Carolina condo.

A New Side of Me

It’s almost 10pm and I’m still wide awake, that’s not good....I’m a morning person and no matter what time I go to sleep, I always wake up very early....usually at 5am.

Even though I’m all excited about the vacation I just got back from, I’m not going to post about it yet. I kinda erased the pics, by accident, and would have loved for ya’ll to see some of the wonderful places I got to see last week. Maybe for your sake, that’s a good thing.

As I lay here in bed all I can think of are the people I’d love to head-butt right now. I’m not usually a “head-butting”- type chick, I’m more of a “sees the good side of everything”-type chick, so I’d like to explore this new found side of me a bit.

Hmmmmm, let’s see.....I’d like to head-butt:

-The bum that stands on the corner where I live because he’s just faking it. He owns a nice house, a car and has a dog...I’ve seen it. He just stands there looking sad, scratching his dirty hair and holds a sign saying “homeless, hungry, broke, looking for work”. That’s just a lot of bull. I know he uses the $500 or so he gets each day for crack and prostitutes. On second thought, ewwwww, I’d rather hire someone to head-butt him for me.

-The kid that rented the apartment in my house last year and still owes me two months rent.

-The doctor who gave me the wrong medication in the emergency room three years ago and caused me to have seizures and a heart attack. I still have short term memory problems from that. And I’m only now starting to remember how bad my memory really is because my boyfriend is the first person since then that has been close enough to me to experience it.

-The campus cop who gave me a ticket for pulling him over when I was lost at my son’s college. I was lost in a dark, dirt road parking lot and I saw the police car near the entrance, so I drove out the entrance to reach him before he passed by and he gave me a ticket. Stupid me paid it because technically I did break the law, but I didn’t realize that it was a moving violation and that my car insurance would increase.

That’s about it.

Is there anyone out there that would like to play along? Who would you like to “head-butt”?

I have to retire, NOW

I want to retire....NOW, like in RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!!!!

I'm in South Carolina visiting my parents who are retired. I flew in last night. This morning Mom and I took a 3 mile walk down Myrtle Beach. When we came back Dad had a BIG catastrophe....red ants are coming into the screened in porch in the back. Oh My Goodness! "Rose, QUICK, where's the RAID?"

Mom quickly calls the maintenance department of the complex and Dad grabs the keys and announces that he's going to "The Pig" (which I'm not sure but I think might be short for a supermarket). Just as his car pulls away the maintenance man shows up with the pest spray canister and he locates the hill (which with his accent I thought he said heel) and sprays away. Then he explains that since the grass is getting overly watered, the ants are looking for higher, dryer land, hence the minor ant problem.

Next Dad comes back with Raid and starts to spray, even though we tell him the mainteance guy already did the job. The Raid long spray tube thing that attaches is broken! Oh My Goodness, "Rose, its broken, we have to go get a new one!!" Out they go as if they were evacuating for a hurricane or something.

I stay behind and take in a quick nap (hey, all this excitement is killing me.)

They came back, sprayed the dead ants with the new RAID over and over again and now things are all back to normal....well, as normal as they can be around these two.

So, I've decided that I want to retire right now because OMG, if this could be my only problem to deal with, I'm all over that.

And why do old people keep their homes ice cold? I've got a sweater on and am sitting on the couch with a blanket. And Dad asks me if I'd for him to turn the AC up before they leave. (???)

We're going out to dinner tonight..4:30pm sharp, I can't wait.