It's 4:00am, I've been awake since 2am.
And do you want to know why?
Last month my parents 'rescued' an old Beagle from the pound in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. A Beagle. 'Hunter' as he's named, hasn't made a sound since they 'rescued' him. In fact, the shelter told my parents that the dog must have had his voice box removed.
When my parents called and asked if they could come to visit me for the Easter holiday I immediately said yes.
After all, this will be the last visit at my house on Long Island since I am moving to Connecticut in a few short weeks. "Oh, please bring Hunter with you, Kage would love to have a visitor of his species.", I pleaded.
So, they drove here, 770 miles with 'Hunter the Mute Dog' in peace and quiet.
I have no freaking idea why everyone thought Hunter was 'mute' his entire life, but a miracle happened just yesterday: Hunter can make Beagle noises, very loud Beagle noises. And Hunter likes to choose 2am to exercise his newly found vocal abilities. And since I have packed up all unneccessary adornment, my house now has an echoing effect. Oh My Land.
Imagine, if you will, loud echoing Beagle howls. At Two-Freakin-Ay-Em. Oh wait, it's 5am now.....I want to kill somebody.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
It's 4:00am, I've been awake since 2am.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thank you friends for all the encouraging comments you left on Friday's post. It means so much to me that there are people praying for my healing and that I'm not the only one feeling 'unworthy'. YA'LL RULE!!
As I went weeding through my bedroom yesterday deciding what to keep for the move and what to throw out, I came across some of the journaling I did when I was going through the worst time of my life.
I've mentioned here before how my marriage broke up, my physical health deteriorated, my ego was flattened and for three long months I entered into a deep depression.
Throughout that year, God showed me who He was in many ways. And He showed me that no matter what the circumstances, He is there with me right by my side.
Here are a few of the things I jotted down as I was being betrayed by addictions, dealing with my former husband's affair and painfully learning my role in the problems thereof:
When he betrays me, when he uses his clever 'therapy' tone and words to attack me, it is not because he hates me, but because he hates himself and needs to reassure himself that he is not all bad.
This day is too precious to waste by resenting things I cannot change.
Where there is hatred, Lord, let me sow love. Where there is injury, Lord, help me to pardon. Where there is despair, Lord help me to find hope. Where there is sadness, Lord, help me to find my joy and Your joy in me.
Make me an instrument of Your peace.
I will not add to the problem of alcohol by using cruel, clever words to humiliate a fellow human being. In doing so I would be shaming myself.
Its my personal responsibility to take care of myself. I don't have the power to change another person.
I can begin to recognize when I am dealing with alcoholism's insanity and I can detach. I certainly don't have to respond by doubting myself.
I am only beginning this self awareness, I won't ever be perfect. I don't have to be perfect, only God is.
I miss me.
"You get to the point where your demons, which are terrifying, get smaller and smaller and you get bigger and bigger."- I hope I start feeling that soon.
I had good reasons to hide my feelings, making light of serious situations, overworking, managing to focus on everything but myself. Today I have other options. I can begin to listen to what my heart has been trying to tell me, and I can look for someone trustworthy with whom I can share.
My problems are my own doing.
I've been at fault by not putting myself first, if I don't,why would he? If I don't respect myself and my ideas, why would he?
I can only control myself. I cannot add to the destruction of my marriage. I can only make myself better.
Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread.
Now, years later, I am grateful that I went through all of that. I didn't like the person I had become before it all happened. I was constantly walking on eggshells and trying to please everyone. I was a total mess.
Now I have peace and joy, no matter what the circumstances...sometimes it is a decision, a choice...but I have learned to have it nonetheless.
Friday, March 23, 2007
I have had a few health issues since 2000.
I prefer not talking about my health problems unless I can give someone going through the same thing support by doing so or I have to explain to someone why I can’t physically do something, or I have to explain to someone I’m having a conversation with why I’m in excruciating pain and cannot continue to act 'normal' anymore as I clench my teeth and roll my eyes to the back of my head as I double over.
Ummmm, not that I EVER act ‘normal’; anyone that has been reading my blog for any length of time can say an ‘Amen’ to that.
Hey......you didn’t have to be so quick with that ‘Amen’.
My belief is, what’s in the past is just that....in the past. So I try to move to the now and forward. And I try to not dwell on all of the operations, the complications and all the inconvenience I cause my family and friends when I am in bad health.
Thoughout my life, I’ve never, ever been on the medical charts as being in the ‘norm’, so the thing that cracks me up is this: to date, virtually all of my internal organs have suffered in some way, be it in a big or small way or having to be removed due to adhesions, cysts, growths, reactions to medications....all except one.
As my doctor finished reading me the results of my latest MRI and blood work she added, “But the good news is, your gall bladder is still there and looking great.”
Note to my much appreciated healthy gall bladder: Oh, how I love thee, but I would gladly trade you in a heartbeat in exchange for any of the other organs now suffering because you.....well, sorry about this....but - you are the only organ left in my body that I could live without.
At this time, I am, once again, facing another one of those annoying operations to my abdomen. After a few tests, which I’ve been taking this past week, my doctors feel that it would be best to get a good look at what is going on and to see what can be done.
I don’t have cancer. I’ve never had cancer. Right now my colon isn’t working properly, my intestinal wall is looking suspicious, adhesions are causing kinks, my liver has a few cysts and my lymph nodes are inflamed. And then there is the pain I've been experiencing.
Undergoing an operation and recuperation during my current move to another state is not looking like fun. Anyone that has been through abdominal surgery knows that picking up anything weighing more than a piece of paper is a no-no for the first month or two.
I'm thankful for all the sage advice I've been receiving as I am spreading the word to my friends and family.
I think my daughter said it best when she told me this yesterday: “Mom, you’re going to be fine. You’ve had many operations and been through many horrible things in your life and you always, always, always come out better than before, so don’t even worry about this.”
So I sit here, asking God for another miracle, yet not feeling worthy of one and thanking Him for a wonderful family, awesome boyfriend and supportive friends.
And, um, oh yeah, trying not to freak-the-heck out.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
One of my single Christian girlfriends and I were chatting yesterday. We were discussing Christian dating and our experiences.
She’s been dating a Christian political for a few weeks. They went on 5 dates so far.
Last Saturday he invited her over for lunch to his house. When lunch was prepared he asked if it would be okay if he said grace. “That would be nice”, she responded.
And as he gently held her hands, he prayed something like this, “Thank you Father for Susan, blah, blah, blah. Thank you for sending Susan into my life, blah, blah, blah. Bless this new relationship with Susan”. Then he asked if she’d like to pray too.
“Sure - Lord, bless Karen too, ‘cause that’s my name. Amen”.
[They talked over lunch and decided that due to the fact that he was actively dating 5 other women at the same time, and had no intention of focusing on her, it wouldn’t be such a good idea to continue.]
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Sometimes - many times actually - as your life is going on, someone viciously comes by and tries to break your stride.
I used to be the type of person to get all broken up over what people thought of me.
That has all changed.
Now I don’t give anyone the power to break my stride. I allow God to nudge me, but not people with transparent motives and attempts at manipulation.
I make a decision not to be broken, again.
I might let it bother me for a while, a short while, and I might instinctively think of revenge for a brief moment, but that’s all the power they get.
Then I’m back in the game. And their true colors are but a mere blur behind me.
A green blur.
And I am loving the road ahead.
Monday, March 19, 2007
A SPECIAL WELCOME BACK TO MY QUASI-FATHER-IN-LAW!!!!!
Thanks for all your prayers, QFIL is back from Brazil, safe and sound and I can't wait to hear all the stories of his mission trip.
It's been about a week since I've posted here or come by to visit y'all because my home computer (laptop) wasn't working. My wonderful computer-geek son fixed it and then Capt came over this weekend and fixed it some more. So now I can catch up on my blog reading. Ahhhhh. I feel so much better now.
Things were going so smoothly on the home sale/home purchasing until recently. When I was married my former husband and brother-in-law made my garage and laundryroom into an apartment for his mother to live in. She had spent about 25 years in a mental institution because of paranoid-schizophrenia/clinical depression and wanted to try living on her own. Sounds like a great idea to have her move in, right? Right? Rrrrrrright? Well, that lasted one year....although it seemed more like 100 years. When she was on her meds she was an amazing God-fearng woman and could hardly walk. When she was off her meds she was frightening and she could run around like the dickens...sprint actually. After that year we put her in an Assisted Living Home on a beautiful lake. She thrived there for many years. And she was forced to remain on her meds. Everyone loved her.
Anyho, it appears that someone across the street from me reported to the Town that I had an illegal apartment. Which I do. So now I am in the process of getting a permit for it. Oh, and here's the irony - the person that reported me has an illegal apartment in their garage.
I'm just hoping that everything goes through smoothly with the Town paperwork and inspection so that I don't hold up the purchase of the house in Connecticut.
This past weekend, Capt came over and helped me start with some of the packing. I now feel like I can accomplish this, that it will all be okay and I will not be so overwhelmed and freaked out.
And yet, as if this were possible, I fell even more in love with Capt. Is there no limit?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I’ve been so stressed lately. The sale of my house is not going so well. And work has been insane.
All I can think of is taking a vacation to somewhere that starts with ‘St.’.
Just typing those names makes me all happy and peaceful.
I'm better now.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Well, interneters (that’s what I’m calling y’all today) it’s time.
Time is here.
Here is the time.
Time to start packing for the big move.
HELP!!!! *screaming at the top of her lungs in a panic*
I don’t know what I’m doing. The last time I moved was 16 years ago and I didn’t very much stuff to move into this enormous house. I filled it up slowly as the years rolled by. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. Lots of stuff. Rooms filled with stuff.
So 16 years of accumulated junk is in dire need of being sorted, bubble wrapped, boxed, labeled, color coordinated, numbered with Roman numerals, Dewey decimal systemed, cross-referenced, entered into a spread sheet and moved.
Oh and in case you haven’t noticed, my OCD tendencies are kicking in BIG time.
So what I am asking you you lovely helpful interneters you, is for lots of moving advise.
I know you have some, so let me have it, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly.....please. For I know not what I am doing.
Link away, comment away, search engine away, or just tell me it will all be okay. 'kay?
Much appreciation will be forthcoming when I calm down some.
Did I ever tell you how much I love you all? I do. Really.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
I once dated a Dallas Cowboy who got food poisoning on our first date and had to sleep over.
I love shopping.
Last night for dinner I ate a box of Red Hots.
All living plants die under my care.
I cannot use a stapler correctly.
I am well known for having an excellent memory.
I had a dog that assisted my cat in giving birth then helped raise new born kittens when she died.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
It's Wednesday already! Yippee.
Since I had so much fun last week doing my first Works-For-Me Wednesday, I'm trying it again.
This time it's The Kitchen Edition.
This is my recipe for Strawberry Shortcake:
It is a simple cake that everyone will love... it's light and delicious, and I always get rave reviews:
1 box of White Cake Mix
1 container of fresh Strawberries
1 tub of Cool Whip
Using any boxed white cake mix, prepare the batter using the egg whites option. While the cake is in the oven, using a glass or stainless steel bowl and put sliced fresh strawberries and about 1 Tbs of sugar and toss together. Let that sit on the counter.
After the cake cools just spread Cool Whip on top and place the sliced strawberries on top and on the sides.
You can use two cake pans and put the strawberries in between the layers, you can make a sheet cake and using a cake slicer or large serrated knife make two layers and do the same. Or you can just put the strawberries on top. Even leaving the cake in the pan is fine.
The combination of these three ingredients is truly amazing. Enjoy!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
I'm catching the meme over at YerDoingItWrong, thank's Annie.
10 things about me, which ones are lies:
1. I once dated a Dallas Cowboy who got food poisoning on our first date and had to sleep over.
2. Once when I was sunbathing in my backyard, a squirrel came over and took a nap on my chest.
3. I love shopping.
4. Last night for dinner I ate a box of Red Hots.
5. All living plants die under my care.
6. I cannot use a stapler correctly.
7. I am well known for having an excellent memory.
8. I had a dog that assisted my cat in giving birth then helped raise new born kittens when she died.
9. When I was 10, my best friend and I trashed a bathroom in a Christian Camp.
10. When I was young, a well-known doctor used me as a guinea pig to develop a cure for growth problems.
Which ones are lies?
Monday, March 05, 2007
Yesterday, I had the great privilege of watching PookieBear (my boyfriend’s 11 year old daughter) play a ‘rough-around-the-edges’ 11 year old girls from another town in CT.
The team, their coach, and the parents have gotten themselves a bad reputation this season and many official reports were filed against them due to their bullying, roughness and bad sportsmanship.
Needless to say, we were all very apprehensive about the safety of our girls at this game.
The game started and the other coach started yelling at the refs. The refs gave him a warning that he was going to get thrown out of the gym if he does that again and let our team take 2 shots as a penalty against their team. That set the tone for the rest of the game and that coach more or less behaved himself after that.
The other teams girls were tough, mean and pushy, but our team just stood their ground and played with grace and sportsmanship. We, as the parents and supporters of our team, clapped when the other team scored a basket and acted as we normally do at the games.
Our team did not get upset when the refs did not catch the other team’s fouls, our team just focused on playing the best game they could. And they did. And they won.
I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of PookieBear. Not only did she score three quarter’s of the points, and play her best game ever, she (and the rest of the team) refused to stoop to their level. And refused to show them how afraid they were of them.
On the way home, she didn’t even complain about all the unfair calls, the pushing, the shoving, the elbowing in the ribs. She just talked about the huge lesson she learned: that doing the right thing wins.
It’s about playing with everything you’ve got, within the rules, with sportsmanship and with fun.
Her coach and dad, Capt, is an amazing person to have taught them all this.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Good morning Bloggity Friends.
Before I start my day, I'd like to share with you some of the highlights of last night's dreams.
Please keep in mind that I still have the flu and am running a fever at night.
My son, Dave, looks out the front window and sees a gorilla. He decides to go outside and attempts to wrestle with it just for fun. Just as he's got his arms around it to try to slam it to the ground in one of those fake WWF wrestling moves, he realizes that he's no match and it's not going to turn out good. I see the fear in his eyes and I can't do anything about it.
The jackets that my sisters and I keep buying and returning for our dad for his birthday months ago are looking more and more "ghetto" and still don't fit him. We all wonder if he is getting smaller and smaller.
Capt head is turned around facing his back, I have to point this out to him because he doesn't realize it.
There is water pouring out of some attic entrance in my house and Capt's friend, who I don't even know, shuts the door and turns the power off saving us all from electricution. Meanwhile, his wife, a heavy set blonde, is laying on the livingroom floor taking a nap in the middle of a party.
Oh, and the party is being hosted by my daughter; hundreds of her friends are here. I ask why there is a party and what it is for and my son Dave tells me that it's an alternative dance party and he starts showing me the moves and looks quite good. So I try the dance moves and I look like I'm having a seizure.
The roof of my house is leaking so much that I don't have enough towels and blankets to sop it all up.
I time travel to my past and become friends with myself when I was eight. (I am in the middle of reading a book - The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger, so that dream is not sooooo weird).
Do any of you have weird dreams when you are sick?